[Marshmellowguy]

I wrote a song with a friend about losing someone. You can kinda tell what parts i wrote cus i rhymed a lot. XD o3o Im working on it with vocaloid but would love any feedback. If anyone would be kind enough to maybe translate it to japanese then please do so. :3 I also don't know weather the song should be slow or fast paced. :3 I have a basic idea but as I said. I love any and all feedback/comments.

Spoiler

I got your message the other day,
Saying you were not okay.
You ended us there,
It was out of nowhere.
I stood there blinking,
My heart began sinking.
I never thought I’d lose you,
I don’t know what to do!

~ You said, you said we’d be forever,
We’d never fall apart,
But I know, it was too good to be true,
And I never knew,
Forever was yesterday,
And never is the future, for us.

Back to the day when skies were blue,
You promised me I’d be with you.
My tears were never wasting,
My thoughts were always spacing.
But your promise never stayed true,
I miss the way we talked,
But now you barely say hey.

~ You said, you said we’d be forever,
We’d never fall apart,
But I know, it was too good to be true,
And I never knew,
Forever was yesterday,
And never is the future, for us.

I miss your smile,
Your inviting arms,
Your warm hugs,
That lasted for a while.
I miss your good mornings,
And your voice.
I miss your laughs,
And leaving me was your choice.

Remember when you called me love? Remember when you held my hand?
Remember when we talked on ends? Remember when you said you loved me?
My tears are wasting, and I miss tasting, you.

~ You said, you said we’d be forever,
We’d never fall apart,
But I know, it was too good to be true,
And I never knew,
Forever was yesterday,
And never is the future, for us.

[Malcolm / LyleMusic]

I see you posted this back in September and have had no comments which is a shame. I think your lyrics are excellent. If I was orchestrating this piece, I would make the verses slow and use major keys falling to minor keys - lyrical and soft. Then I would introduce the chorus with a short strong drum solo (half a bar) and increase the 'movement' of the music while keeping the singing slow on top. Huge impact. What I mean by increasing the 'movement' is that during the verse you would use chords or minims and semi-breves; during the chorus, switch to crotchets and quavers and even increase the tempo. Then revert back to slow music. Hope this helps.