[Horizon Ariadust]

I didn't feel sleepy so I stayed up until morning and I was planning a signature idea. While thinking on my signature draft I ended up with thinking a sentence which could fit it. Wrote 3 lines with rhyme and after a while decided to make it a stanza. In the end I wanted to complete this by writing 3 more stanzas and made it a poem. There I go:


Bright hope inside of deep darkness

In a rainy day you shed a tear,
Don't you sense that I'm near?
I came here for you my dear,
To ease you from your worst fear

Hold my hand, listen to my voice
Don't think that it is a worthless noise
Never be cold like an ice
Because coolness won't last to sunrise

I'll be here for you forever,
Let's overcome this issue together
I won't let anyone to make you sad, never
No matter how hard is it to pass over

Let me lead the way to the light
From the depths of dark night
Stay positive, the end is bright
As long as we are together and all right

That's all for my first attempt. Hope you like it. Please write a review!

[Micah]

Quote

I'll be here for you forever,
Let's overcome this issue together
I won't let anyone to make you sad, never
No matter how hard is it to pass over

The last line sort of sticks out, since everything else has ryhme.
I know its hard to find words that do fit, but I just wanted to point that out.
Good luck!

[Horizon Ariadust]

Xero-chan, on 05 February 2012 - 08:47 AM, said:

It's look like you worried more about rhyming than you did meaning. They sound like mainstream song lyrics, and even that is pushing it. But before I begin:

"Hold my hand, listen to my voice
Don't think that it is a worthless noise
Never be cold like an ice
Because coolness won't last to sunrise "

Fixed it would be:

"Hold my hand, listen to my voice
Don't think that it is a worthless noise
Never be cold like ice
Because coolness won't last 'til/until sunrise"

You can use until, or for the sake of rhythm use 'til. One thing I'll ask is what were you focused on when writing the poem? Where did these words stem from? Were you always worried about the last word, structuring your sentence just to make sense to make it rhyme? Or is there another meaning to this poem? I can't say I enjoyed it, but it seemed you were trying hard to rhyme.

One thing I did find interesting though. If voice and ice were couplets next to each other as last words and noise and sunrise were too it would make for good consonance usage in a way I guess. I thought that was interesting, but again it seemed more dependent on the last words than the lines.

P.S. No good writer ever proofreads their own stuff, I make grammar mistakes all the time. I was pointing them out just to let you know, not really critique wise.

Thank you for the feedback. For the fixes... I was thinking just like you wrote, but then decided to change in last second. For the questions I'll try to answer them
I was focused on a picture while I was writing this, and after staring that picture I've decided to write.
For the words.... I was influenced by the picture so I've decided to pick words which could fit the atmosphere it created.
Rhyming... thats a hard part for me while writing. I tried to make it rhyme and also I was trying to pick words which could fit for the feeling I had by the time

I wrote this around 5 AM I wonder how is it so far

Micah, on 05 February 2012 - 08:55 AM, said:

The last line sort of sticks out, since everything else has ryhme.
I know its hard to find words that do fit, but I just wanted to point that out.
Good luck!

It's a bit difficult to pick words which could fit as you said. The problem is with the choice of words? or am I wrong?

[Micah]

The word is fine, it just doesn't rhyme. Just keep playing around with that line a bit, and I'm sure you'll fine something just right